Bookworm tumbling off the shelf

Bookworm is starting something new today…

Awhile back my husband tried talking me into doing some pole fitness classes.  I had started to warm up to the idea despite the fact that I would be the student to regularly fall on my face.  But being in a small town surrounded by other small towns, there were no classes available.  

During my research and attempts to find a class, I ran across a video of a child doing an interpretive dance on the poles.  It was amazing!  I ended up showing it Bookworm.  Immediately, with awestruck eyes, she quietly says, “I want to do that… Can I do that?”

So the journey begins…  she starts tumbling today.  From here we will move into dance and see where that leads.

The greatest of friends

Have you ever had one of those friends who seems to disappear from the planet, and when you finally see them again it’s as if they never left and you feel closer than you remember?  One of those friends that every conversation turns into laughter and your face hurts from smiling so much.  

That was my day…

After having such a rough couple of weeks, it was so refreshing to be enveloped in such a wonderous feeling.  Between all the things I do to keep myself busy and my mind off of junk, I forget sometimes to enjoy myself.  When an old friend steps in and reminds you, the effects ripple through the rest of the day, affecting your outlook on everything you do.

Unfortunately, though I needed the joy and laughter, I’m not brave enough to unload my junk on him.  He’s always been a great listener and a wonderful friend, but it’s not fair to unload on him like he’s my therapist.  

Maybe it’s time to get s therapist.

I hope to see my friend again really soon.  I’ve missed him so much!  

When you’re having a bad week…

Do you ever notice that when you are having a bad week, everyone makes it out to be your fault?  Well if you weren’t so sensitive, if you didn’t instigate it, if you weren’t so difficult, if you just learned to let stuff go, if you just grew thicker skin, if you just didn’t let that stuff bother you…  

Does anyone else out there go to the gas station, or some other secluded place, and sit in your car to cry for no other reason than to let go of some stress?  

I do.  I don’t want anyone to see me. I don’t want anyone to know that I’m not able to handle it all.  I don’t want anyone to see that I have weakness.  I don’t want anyone to worry about me because I know everyone has enough to worry about already.

Do you feel lonely when you are alone?  I don’t.  I feel the most alone when I’m not alone.  I feel like I don’t belong and that is the loneliest of all.  

Being in a relationship void of love comes in at a close second.  It’s a strange feeling, being married to someone who doesn’t care to get to know who you really are but thinks they love you deeply…  It isn’t love if you don’t know who they are.  

How do I find my happiness?  How do I learn to take care of my emotional self when I’ve pushed it so deep inside that I’m not sure it exists anymore?

Little Bit Of Crazy

I wonder what it will take to be truly happy.  I don’t think I’ve ever really been happy.  I’ve had many happy moments, but I always go back to that negative place.  There is so much that happens in life.  I wonder about my purpose.  I’ve taken it upon myself to build everyone up around me, but I wonder if that is really my purpose.  Am I supposed to be everyone else’s strength; everyone else’s solid ground; every one else’s rock?  Who will ever be mine?  

I think I know why I don’t have friends.  When they start seeing the real me, when I begin to trust them and believe in them, they change.  And the wall goes back up.  Whether they lose interest, whether they tire of my craziness, whether they get creeped out by the intimacy of a real friendship, I don’t know.  They just change.  And I go back into hiding.  

They usually don’t like my life choices and judge me on them as well.  That’s ok.  I live with my choices.  I know the consequences.  I am more familiar with regret than anyone could imagine.  But I’m stubborn.  I don’t like being wrong.  I don’t like being a failure.  I will wallow in my regrets to prove that I’m not a failure.

I don’t feel like I’m living my life yet.  I feel like I’m moving through the motions, waiting for reality to come find me.  

It’s so easy to be alone with my own thoughts.  I’ve been told I over analyze things.  That may be so, but it keeps me safe.  If I see the impending doom before it gets to me, it won’t hurt as much.  My thoughts keep me company when everyone else has left.  My thoughts are what keep me warm at night and what keep me moving through the day.  In my thoughts lie all of my hopes and dreams of lives I’ll never have, all of my musings and inside jokes, all of my judgements, all of my paranoias, all of my feelings.

Feelings…

I avoid my feelings, almost as much as I avoid my memories.  I have so much anger, there isn’t much room for anything else.  Except maybe sadness.  But usually that comes from my anger.  What is funny is no one knows I’m angry.  No one knows that anything is wrong.  Is it because they don’t care?  Is it because no one has room in their inward view to see me sitting in the corner just outside the corner of their eye, suffering in silence?  Would anyone want to?  If they saw me, would they stop and try to help, or would they pretend like they didn’t see me?  It’s like the beggar on the corner that when you notice then, you pretend you were looking at something interesting on the other side of the road, so you don’t make eye contact, so you don’t see the desperation in their eyes, so you can’t feel guilty, or the judgements you make on them to keep from having to take responsibility for them, to make you feel better about denying them a little bit of humanity, the jungements on their life choices, or judgements on their opportunities, or your opinion of their work ethic.  

Have you ever stopped and spent a dollar on a cup of coffee for a homeless person and sat with them in the ashes and listened to what ever they wanted to talk about?  There is a lot of life bottled up in those sad, tired, worn out faces.  A lot of wisdom, a lot of heart.

That’s what I need.  Someone who has the time and the heart to sit in the ashes with me, to just listen to my soul.  To allow me to unload by burdens, even for just a moment, even for just a breath.

The day I find a friend like that, is the day my world will change.

Until that day…

Busy weekend!

Well good morning all!  The last two days have been super busy around our house!  On Saturday, I rolled myself out of bed around 0630 and headed off to town to pick up my Bountiful Baskets order.  Standard basket and 75 lbs of tomatoes!  The produce was great and the tomatoes were perfect.  


I arrived back at the house and got busy blanching and peeling tomatoes.  


I made a triple batch of spaghetti sauce and let it simmer all day.  


While that was simmering I sent my husband off to the market to bring me home some onions, garlic, and peppers.  


We canned up about 16 pints of salsa.  That took up 50 lbs of the tomatoes and kept me busy until around 10 p.m.  That and of course keeping up with Monster Mash and Book Worm.  

Speaking of my two darlings, at one point on Saturday, Monster Mash (who is potty training) pooped in his training pants, took them off and put them in my bathroom trash and ran back to the living room.  When I walked into the living room his eyes were glued to Veggie Tales while wiping his boy parts with the lens cloth for my glasses…Ahhhh!  I had no idea he had pooped so I try convincing him to go pee in his frog (a little urinal that is suction cupped to the front of the washing machine).  So he takes off for my bathroom at a dead sprint and stops right at the doorway, looks down and starts peeing on my bathroom floor.  (This whole time I have no idea he pooped).  So I snatch him up and continue on to the frog, reaching it just as he has finished peeing.  So I start to put a clean trainer on him, and that’s when I smell it.  So, I lay him down on the rug and start cleaning him up and decide it’ll be easier to toss him in the tub and hose him off.  He loves baths anyway.  My lens wiping rag went into the washer.  I think I will keep that out of reach from now on…  

I never went through any of this with BookWorm.  I was deployed when she potty trained.  And Sis tells me that she trained really easy.  


By the way my living room didn’t look like that until about an hour befor his nap time.


Anyways, BookWorm is having trouble staying on task.  She is almost 7.  I have to tell her to clean her room about 1000 times a day.  It’s a little frustrating…  But, her room was clean by the end of the weekend.

And yesterday, I slept through my alarm so by the time I got the kids up, dressed and fed, we missed Sunday School.  I teach Sunday School for all the kids K-6.  That equates to BookWorm and one other child who usually doesn’t show up anyway.  We arrived just in time for Church Service.  I’m so glad our music director was prepared for Children’s Church.  I guess I was put on the schedule, but I had been gone for the last 2 Sundays due to Prime for Life training and a visit to my inlaws.  

We headed home after that and I commenced to chopping up the last 25 lbs of tomatoes while my husband chatted with his day while blanching the tomatoes.  Just as I finished the very last of the tomatoes, BookWorm and I headed back to church for my group meeting in support of my college class and evening service.  When we got back home, Monster Mash was still napping and my husband had already fixed supper. While he chopped peppers, the kids and I ate supper and as soon as I finished I took over chopping while he ate.  We got everything ready for another 30 plus pints of salsa that will be canned tonight when I get home from work.  


I was so tired last night that I think I was snoring before my head hit the pillow!  

So tell me, how was your weekend?

I’m BACK!!

amazing-colorful-autumn-scenery

So, I know it has been forever since my last post…

You know, LIFE happened. You know when you get going on something really well and then all of a sudden… WHACK! Life happens and turns you upside down. Well here I am thinking about all the things I don’t have time for and realize, well, what if I started my blog up again? I need to be able to share my life. So, here I am… I’m BACK!

In short, the last year has been full to the brim! My husband ETS’d and I will in just a few days, my little man has been undergoing testing for some metabolic/endocrine issues, I started direct sales with PartyLite and then stopped just as fast, started home canning, somehow acquired a small petting zoo in my house, my little man can now climb out of his crib so nap time is getting difficult, my daughter is reading at a 4th grade level and asking about “the facts of life,” I switched jobs, took up school again and in return, gave up sleep. Life is busy!

How do you keep your sanity when your plate is full?

So tired of Pull-Ups…

I have this wonderful daughter, who potty trained super early and quit bedwetting by a year and a half.  She was living with my sister in law at the time because mommy and daddy were deployed.  She spoke early and has always had an extensive vocabulary, quit napping at about two years, never gets sick…  I could go on and on….  God really blessed me with such an easy and bright child for my first.

When my hubs and I returned from deployment, we lived with my sister in law for awhile to help transition little one back into our family unit with out culture shocking her…  As soon as the three of us moved out of the in-laws house and into our own home, the bedwetting started.  I was kind of expecting it as this amount of change can definitely cause some regression.  She was right about three years old when this happened.

She is a super heavy sleeper and puts in a good twelve hour night.  Like me, if she takes a nap in the middle of the day, she will sleep until morning.  During a growth spurt, she will take a whole day and sleep through it.  Sometimes only waking to go potty or eat a little and falling asleep in awkward places.  One time she got up to get dressed and took at least a twenty minute nap between each article of clothing right there in front of her dresser on the floor.  Another, more recent instance, she went to the bathroom and after a “number two” didn’t even wipe, laid down on the bathroom floor and was sound asleep (with her pants still down).  I hope she never reads my blog when she is older; she would hate me…  😀  Daddy had to clean her up, dress her back up and put her back into bed since I was at work.  We know that nothing is really wrong.  We check her temp and watch her for any signs of something else going on.  And then she gets noticably bigger within the next week.  The only thing she complains about during these times is that her legs hurt.  Growing pains…  I had them.  I can only remember her getting sick one time.

But this is not what I have come to talk about ( I’m good at getting sidetracked ).  My daughter is five and still wetting the bed.  She has a 50/50 chance of waking up dry…  I’m a little tired of the cost of the pull ups and cloth trainers are too small.  I cloth my little man (5 months) and figured it would work great for her too.  Problem is, they are just a bit too tight.  She wants me to make her some, which I plan to do this weekend, considering I’m running out of options and she is running out of pull-ups.  I’ve started making cloth for little man (the ones I buy are not fitting my little chunk very well with his huge butt and giant thighs and tiny waist).  I’m even working on a custom fluff for another mama.  I however haven’t found any good patterns for trainers that will fit a five year old.  I guess I will make my own pattern out of some of her underwear and a pull up.

For all of you mama’s out there who do cloth, what do you think I should take into consideration when making larger trainers?  Any suggestions, comments or ideas are greatly appreciated!